Oh my! I am still alive! Oh wow. Update since Oct 2009......um....wow.....

I lost my job in Feb. Matt dumped me in May. I moved back to Illinois and started dating Joe Bennett in July. Weeee!!!

Matt proposed to me before I left, and still continues to tell me every day how much he wants to get back together and marry me and have babies and all that stuff. He keeps telling me how much he's changed and I want so badly to believe it. I do fucking love him, and I do wanna be with him. I just know that I can't. Not right now, at least. Idk if I wanna be with Joe either. We hardly ever talk and see each other even less! I kinda wanna just be single for a while, and re-figure out how to be by myself. Who the fuck knows.

I started writing again yesterday. It feels really fucking good....I wrote three poems, and I'm gonna put them up at beaux_amoureux for those who are interested....


Yeah, that's about it for now.....

I am apathetic and lonely. My brain is all sorts of fucked up right now. I feel like I'm falling someplace I can't get out of.

I just want a drink and lord knows I can't just revert to that....I have nothing here whatsoever that would numb me and it hurts. I hate it.

I feel desperate for some human contact right now. Skin on skin. Instead all I have are fuzzy blankets and the internet. Both of which are making me feel worse because the blanket is my mother's and the internet just reminds me of what could have been.

Fuck. There is actually some beer here and I'm fighting myself from drinking it. Part of me is saying "No, you need to feel again. The bad things as well as the good. Punish yourself." and the rest of me is going "NUMB NUMB NUMB YAY!! DOOOOO IT!!!"

I just wanna crawl in a hole and sleep for about 15 years....




Instead I may do some art. Pain = Art, right Mr. Palahnuik?

I just spent the last of my paycheck on some much needed groceries....thank god Matt is working a double today. Hopefully he'll bring home some money. Regardless, I am going to make myself a kickass breakfast for dinner :P

In other news, my house is haunted! Nothing too malicious, but it only shows up when Matt leaves. I think it doesn't like him lol....

Also, my house is filled with GIANT wolf spiders. They're so creepy and ugh. We got some spider killer and I haven't seen any in the last two days, but idk. I'm still creeped out wherever I walk...

I'm so bored I'm playing Oblivion for like the 1357489413rd time....I just want Matty to come home!!

So ya I'd been freaking out a little bit last week lol. Here's what happened. My stepmom, Lindsay, called me last Saturday and told me that my tags were about to expire. She said she'd tried to get them but they returned her money too her because I need to get my emissions done. Boo, okay? But then she tells me I'll actually have to take a road trip to Chicago before the end of the month. Wow. Fuck. In the middle of this call, Matty calls to say that our old landlord (we're in the process of moving, some of our stuff is still there) is telling us that we need to get everything out of there NOW.

I work 40 hours a week, Matty goes to work AND school full time....so it's really hard to get stuff done yet still get enough sleep to function.....

So anyway, after stressing myself grey, I figured I'd call the EPA to see if I could get an extension or even just take my emissions test down here. So ya, turns out Lindsay is ridiculous lol because I can get tested down here and fax them my information. Also Matty worked out a deal with the old landlords and we've gotten half of the stuff left into storage. They even said they'd give us a good recommendation for the future! Apparently we're the only ones who have paid AND cleaned. Wow. That poor lady lol....

Yup, that was my week.







Tl;dr? I agree. Here: I was panicking, now I am not....

Reply, repost, love.


01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
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24) Bottle or can soda?
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26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
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